Take your hand off the stove!

I recently heard a metaphor that I really love and encapsulates for me so well what’s required when we find ourselves judging, sabotaging, and generally being unkind to ourselves.

Can you recall a time when you touched something really hot and your immediate response was to stop touching it and move your hand away? You wouldn’t keep your hand on the hot stove because you know a) it will hurt, and b) it will cause damage. Ultimately, if you keep your hand on the pot for too long the damage could be quite significant and life changing.

The difference with physically putting our hand on the stove, and judging the crap out of ourselves is, we can generally heal and get over the judgement without it affecting us negatively for the rest of our lives. Unless of course we keep doing it!

I know for myself just how easy and enticing it can seem to keep judging and sabotaging myself. Oh but judging me makes me a better person, it helps me develop and improve, it keeps me from being arrogant and uncaring, yada yada yada. Except it really does none of those things. We can still choose to be those things but judging just adds the unpleasant aftertaste that keeps us constantly in pain and regret and isn’t a motivator for changing things.

When we stop judging ourselves we get to really be present with what’s going on and tap into our wisdom and capacities to create the change we wanted without all the pain of judgement attached. When we’re not judging we get things done a lot quicker, more efficiently, and with more pleasure.

Judgement really can be habit forming too. Whether we like it or not, judging ourselves can very often end up in judging others as well. I know there are some people who think that there are two types of people in the world: those who judge others, and those who judge themselves. The two are not mutually exclusive from what I’ve seen in my life so far - no matter how much we want it to be.

Now the thing is, when we judge others we then end up judging ourselves for judging others and so the cycle begins again and actually becomes stronger and self perpetuating. So what do we do when we find ourselves doing something that we know is sabotaging our happiness? We take our hand off the proverbial stove!

We command ourselves to STOP and then change our thoughts and attention to something completely different. If we we find ourselves going back to the judgements, we STOP again… and change our thoughts and attention to something different. And we keep doing it until eventually the old patterns and pathways of judging and sabotaging stop being the default and end up dissipating completely or at the very least are used far less often.

Yes it can feel like hard work at first. No it’s not going to change overnight. Yes it can feel frustrating at how often we have to stop. Yes feeling frustrated is caused by judgement so we can stop when we feel frustrated and choose something different. And yes, it DOES get easier and more effective the more we choose different.

Here’s a couple of questions that are worth asking ourself:

• If I keep judging and don’t change it for kindness, discernment, and something different, what will my life be like in 20 years time?

• What’s truly more valuable to me: being in pain and destroying all happiness, relaxation, and pleasure in my life, or being kind and having more happiness, relaxation, and pleasure in my life?

When we first start truly being present with this, the first option seems so much more powerful, fixed, and unchangeable (ie. can’t stop judging and sabotaging), but that is the lie that sabotaging thoughts will tell you. Acknowledge it for the lie it is, stop the train of thought before it rushes out the station, and change trains to something different.

It may not be easy at first and your sabotaging thoughts will tell you it’s too much like hard work to change now. You’re set in your ways. You’re too old to change. It’s who you are. yada yada yada. STOP. Acknowledge the pattern. Change your focus.

And finally, keep going, keep going, keep going! You’ve got this, no matter what your sabotaging thoughts tell you. They’re lying so don’t listen to them.